What Is
this thing called Love?
It refers to emotional closeness between partners, a
relationship in contrast to a relationship. It is generally believed that in
order to have intimacy in a marriage a prerequisite is to be in love with one’s
partner. Consequently, an examination of the concept of romantic love, and
ideas related to it, will shed a certain amount of light on sexual behaviour in
a long-term relationship.
Unlike many of
the world’s cultures, our culture links sexual behaviour, particularly within
the institution of marriage, to romantic love. Romantic Love is a mental
and emotional state characterized by moments of joy and the idealization of
one’s partner. In her book Love and Limerence, the psychologist
Dorothy Tennov uses the term Limerence to identify the distinctive
pattern of thought and emotions associated with being in love. These include daydreaming
about the beloved one, the desire to have love returned, and the wish to spend
a lot of time in the other person’s presence. We use phrases such as “falling
in love” to suggest that the state of being in love is somewhat involuntary.
The concept of
romantic love is an outgrowth of the Middle Ages tradition of chivalry, a set
of ideas and customs associated with knighthood. The knight was expected to pay
courtly love to a noblewoman. This involved writing poems and jousting
in tournaments with the fair lady’s handkerchief tied to a lance. The lady was
often unattainable, and sexual desire was unrequited. The present-day concept
of courting a woman is obviously derived from the day when knighthood was in
flower.
It is only in relatively recent centuries, and primarily in
the Western world, that the concept of romantic love has been tied to actual
marriage. The problem is that romantic love has a certain tendency to fade
after a marriage settles down and children become member of the family. True, there
may be romantic moments, but one cannot expect a steady sate of limerence to
endure day after day for years. Romantic love is replaced with Conjugal
love, a state of deep affection, mutual respect, and shared
responsibilities. The partner is loved and there is intimacy. And it is
necessary to be more or less satisfied with conjugal love if is to have a
stable marriage.
An increased
understanding of the above point can be attained by referring to the
idealization-frustration-demoralization syndrome.
The Idealization-Frustration-Demoralization (IFD) Syndrome is
a common interpersonal pattern, often destructive to marriages. The
First stage, idealization, is
characterized by a tendency to project on the partner, or potential partner,
special attributes such as unusually good looks, great intelligence,
outstanding creative ability, and so forth. She is a sort of Cinderella; he is
a sort of Prince Charming. The stage of Idealization is clearly linked to
romantic love.
The Second stage of the IFD syndrome, Frustration, emerges when the
unrealistic expectations set up by the first stage cannot be met. One person
lets the other one down in both big and small ways. Little by illusions fall
away and the partner is seen clearly, psychological warts and all.
The Third stage, demoralization, is
characterized by the conviction that the relationship is hopeless, that even
valiant effort to improve the relationship are doomed to failure. It is at this
point that one member of a couple may seek an affair, a separation, or a
divorce.
Johnson’s
basic message is clear. People should enter relationships with their eyes wide
open. They should avoid idealization and an excessive attachment to the concept
of romantic love. Granted, given our culture, a certain amount of romance is
appropriate. However, idealization with its unrealistic expectations sets up
the members of a couple for a fall.
This Article is
Take From Psychology
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Written by Arshad. A
